Opinion Havers

The Fellowship of the Ring

No film has placed more daddies on screen that Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings and we are here to devour every daddy loving moment with you.

The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

Get ready for some head tilting, limb chopping, and egregious troll asphyxiation. It's a movie almost entirely taking place while the main character is supposed to be unconscious so you know it's gonna get wild. Peter Jackson is off his leash and Del Toro is no longer here to catch him.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of GoPro

I had no idea that I had a dragon fetish until this movie. Thank goodness this came along. Cumberbatch's rumbly dragon tones have awakened something deep inside of me and I am ready to make some lifestyle changes. Costumes will be purchased. Caves will be spelunked. Fish and Game regulations will be ignored.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Movie

Look, we didn't do this because Ian Holm died, we recorded this and then Ian Holm died. We have been cooking up this cast for a hot minute, it's not our fault he stole our thunder.

Django Unchained

How do you feel about Antebellum Dentistry? If you're anything like Tyler and me then you are all for it, that's why we just had to review everyone's favorite 19th-century orthodontia epic, "Django Unchained" We hope you enjoy it as much as we did.

Spectre

Oh dear sweet heaven is it over? What are we supposed to do now? How was that the last one? You're telling me they only made 24 movies in this franchise? How could they be so lazy? If I were Barbara Brocolli I would crank one of these puppies out every 6 months and the world would be a better place and I would be a sassy British lady.

Skyfall

You better buckle up for our s*xiest episode yet. It is about to get real s*xual, if you aren't prepared to talk about s*x, then you better skip this one. There will be moans, grunts, squeals, yelps, hollering as well as general lustfulness. We just can't help ourselves when Javier Bardem walks on set.

Quantum of Solace

Hollywood rule number 1, only edit action movies while on massive quantities of cocaine. I would know I have a friend who works in Hollywood. His name is Rob, and he worked on Jumanji: the Next Level. What, you don't believe me? Look it up you coward. Go on the internet and look. I bet you don't even have the internet, do you? You probably don't even know what a quantum processor is. Well, James Bond does, he knows about all the quantum stuff. Quantum capacitors, quantum sunglasses, even quantum of solace, so why don't you go ask him about it and leave me alone? I'm already lonely. So very alone.

Casino Royale

Does your James Bond do all his own research? Does he bulk up merely for the pleasing of our lustful gaze? Does he run up stairs and burst through walls? If not, I don't want him. Daniel Craig, take me into the heft of your tan bosom and never let me go.

Die Another Day

Hot off the presses folks, the future is wasian. Who can stop a man with both the full support of the North Korean military and the power of white privilege? If anyone can do it, it's Pierce Brosnan in a Jesus beard.